What is Scotchguard, and where do I buy it??

To take my mind off YOUNG MEN, I have bought myself an apartment! It is a great distraction from YOUNG MEN, even though I still find myself slipping in my spare time and spending all the time I should be using to work exploiting my connections to get tickets to certain shows for YOUNG MEN because I am thoroughly whipped. I suppose this is one of the downfalls of old age.

Unfortunately, it seems I lack wisdom to support my aged state. For example, I am not skilled at putting together Furniture For Dummies building things. The people at IKEA are trying to force me into acquiring wisdom by making me screw the legs onto my own couch instead of sending someone to do it for me. I find this extremely unjust. They should take pity on my aged state and send someone to do it for me! They should send a YOUNG MAN! I hope that the people they send to put together the rest of my furniture between 1-9 p.m. on some random day are YOUNG MEN.

Even my young sister and her young brej are wiser than I am. They know about things like Scotchguard and newsprint-wrapped pounds of sugar, and I am sadly ignorant in the ways of the world. I mean, what is Scotchguard, anyhow? Is it a spray? Where do I buy such things? Must I darken the doors of a Home Depot? Heaven forbid! I think this is very unfair. Why do I have to grow old and not grow wise at the same time? Maybe YOUNG MEN are robbing me of my rightful wisdom. I know they're robbing me of my memory and possibly my wads.

Waking up at 11:30 a.m. is far too early for my old age. I think maybe I'll go have some herbal tea (with FOUR SPOONS OF SUGAR) and then have an afternoon nap in order that I can keep up with my young companions tonight.